#106 – Counter-Transference in Social Work

Recently, I’ve had an interesting experience. It is the first time in my working career that I’ve gained awareness about experiencing counter-transference towards a co-worker at the workplace. Indeed, this is uncomfortable.

However, I am glad that I have managed to do some self-reflection to think through about this. I have also done intensive reading up to find help resources about it. Apparently, it is something that is common and does happen, although people do not always talk about it, seemingly like a taboo.

As I reflected on it, I realized that its due to my own family-of-origins and attachment issues with my family members, whereby there is a parallel process going on between this co-worker and the attachment I have with my family members.

I’ve tried to read up and find some help resources to address this issue and decided to talk to a trusted professional to talk it out. What I have learned about ways to address is this:

1. Use the PERM method to gain awareness about our internal self (recognize the physical & emotional responses in ourselves as well as mental state), to identify where the counter-transference is coming from  
2. Allow the thought to pass by and nurture it with compassion. We do not necessarily need to judge it negatively, so we could just learn to understand it with kindness and compassion.   
3. Recognize how the feeling affects our behaviour and responses towards the subject
4. Remember to show compassion for ourselves as well as the person/subject
5. Also, we can use emotional-regulation tips and cognitive reframing to modify the emotion output and expression of frustration. Shift my focus attention so that I do not overly obsess on the physical sensations.

To cut the long story short, I’ve also realized that this issue had actually surfaced the residual issues that had triggered my earlier life experiences and emotions. It shows that there are actually some issues in my life that required healing, which had not been addressed. As such, life is just a process whereby we are on a continuous journey of discovery and healing.

Overall, this experience has given me the first-hand experience of “use of self” in the social work journey and first step towards becoming a social worker. Honestly, I am still uncertain if this is the correct route but I’ll definitely use this chance to reflect and find out more.  

Let’s go through this journey together and believe that you can do it well.

#105 – Stressful Times

Recently, I’ve been going through a stressful time at work and I’ve noticed myself experiencing more stressed symptoms at work. There were days whereby I would wake up too early in the morning and not be able to fall asleep again. This can be quite an exhausting thing to ensure when you have to work the next day. Hence, I’ve decided to read up more about calming down the nervous system.

1 – Calm down the nervous system

Recently, there has been much discussion about the Vagus Nerve, a part of the parasympathetic nervous system which calms down your body after a stressful situation. While the nervous system might be linked to our cortisol and adrenaline levels (stress hormones), there are some things we can do to cope with this.

• Keep a stress diary to pinpoint the source of stressors and attempt to address it.
• Journalling, to reduce the mindless chatter or worries in the mind 
• Challenge negative thoughts by writing it down 
• Limit caffeine intake
• Participate in relaxing activity such as restorative yoga
• Take walks in nature
• Grounding activity or tapping to calm the nerves
• Singing or humming along a familiar tune. Some people have even suggested gargling of water. I have not tried this out but will attempt to do so when there is the chance.

2- Life is stressful when you encounter a pounding heartbeat during a group presentation. That dreadful feeling when your body freezes and tense up in front of people, as if it was in a fight-or-flight moment. You’ve guessed it right. It’s the public speaking fear that is very commonly felt by people. But yet, public speaking is an important life skill that we need to juggle with when we enter the workforce. So here’s sharing some tips and reminders for myself to cope for the times when I have to do presentations.

• Visualize yourself giving a successful presentation. Have a mental mantra to remind yourself of your own strengths
• Set daily intentions or affirmations on the greater goal that you hope to achieve in life (whereby the presentation may just be a one small portion of the bigger goal)
• Use humour to ease anxiety
• Know that its okay and common to feel nervous. This anxiety will not stop you from doing a good job. Think about past occasions whereby you have done a good job
• Banish the inner critical voice
• Remind yourself that people are not always so judgemental of you. Sometimes it is the self-doubt and self-consciousness that affects yourself actually.
• After the presentation, pat yourself on the back for having done a good job. Reward yourself with a deserving reward and good efforts for completing the task.

#104 – How to Cope with Job Burnout

Sometimes, job burnout can creep up in our lives, arising from different reasons. It could arise from toxic workplace dynamics, unrealistic work expectations or lack of control. Especially in our stressful working life in Singapore, job burnout is something that occurs, yet not often spoken about.

Recently, work has been difficult. The amount of workload has been immense, prompting me to realize that the advice that we read online about burnout is useless.

Because honestly, it sounds very hypocrite when the same people (managers) are the ones educating about self-care message to the public, but yet, are the ones imposing unreasonable work timelines and my body is breaking down. Sometimes, the self-care messages that we read online just isn’t helpful. For example, its just hypocritical when the managers who claim to tell their staff to place health as top priority are the ones pushing for the unrealistic deadlines and KPIs. 

Typically, this is the advice shared by the articles, about ways to cope with burnout.

1) Listen to Guided Meditation Clips

2) Reframe your mindset

3) Maximise your rest time

4) Restructure work habits

5) Find a way to include exercise in your daily routine

However, if you have an unsupportive work environment, it’s hard to stay.

Having said so, here are some additional ways to cope with interim work stressors if you are unable to take time-off.

1) Positive visualizations of your previous successes

2) Create a listing of your past accomplishments

3) Plan for an upcoming holiday trip

4) Reward for the hard work/past accomplishments  

Fortunately, I have also recently met up with an acquaintance who shared her experience about job burnout. I guess, meeting another person with similar experience does help me to feel better, to know that I am not the only one experiencing this situation because this is a common phenomenon. If I scan through my social media accounts, I do know of 3 to 4 other persons going through similar experiences as me. Perhaps, part of it can also be attributed to the fact that people are more open in sharing their experiences online on social media nowadays. And the greatest irony is when you are working in a highly demanding work environment but yet your demanding bosses are the ones nagging at you to “practise self-care and take care”. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s a mere lip service or hypocrite comment.

Then, is there anything we can do a create a healthier work culture in the future? If the workplace culture is toxic and workaholic, I don’t think there’s anything we can do. Because I am only a human being with my own limitations. If I am unable to thrive in this environment, then I am better off leaving to another better place. Why stay in a place that does not value my strengths. In the grand scheme of things, this is just one part of my life that does not define my own identity.

#103 – Some Helpful Advice

1. “Release yourself from things that no longer serve you.”

Today, I’ve happened to come across this phrase online that calls out to me. Somehow, it seems to be telling me that I no longer have to be bound by negative past experiences that do not serve me anymore.

Certainly, there are things that I wish to let go from the past, things that no longer serve me well.

• Expired relationships/contacts

• Expired food/ physical possessions 

• Negative thoughts/beliefs

• Fears holding you back from bigger growth

Maybe, life is just too short to live unhappily. I would rather choose to be happy and lead my good life.

2. What can you do today to nurture yourself

This is something that reminds me of the need to constantly engage in activity that helps me recharge – Do restorative yoga.  

• Build resilience and tap on my inner strengths – Work on building my own supportive tribe

• Reframe cognitive beliefs to better handle challenges in life and work

• Think of solutions to space out the work – pace yourself

#102 – Mental Break

The inevitable happened today that I needed to take a medical leave day off because I truly needed a mental break. It does seem like this job has a higher level of stress compared to the past.

But yet, I just found my brain being too exhausted and in need of a mental break. It feels like the brain is too cluttered to the extent that I can’t think very well. Even when I tried writing handwritten notes on paper, the brain just couldn’t function. Maybe I need to learn to “worry less”.

However, I do feel physically weak today as well. It is as if I do not have the physical energy to get moving. The brain and body is exhausted. I need something to let it out.

But I do realize some things:

I have been thinking for a long time about “Ways to build resilience and recharge emotional energy”. But there is no fixed answer. And it usually only comes up with the same listing of things.

1. Remind myself of my positive affirming daily mantra
2. Digital detox from technology
3. Take up only on energy-giving activities
4. Restorative Yoga or Yin Yoga

Social service is just another job with KPI goals to achieve, actually. Sometimes I find myself becoming a pessimist in this situation. However, I will also learn to reframe negative thoughts into positive ones so that I can ride through this difficult wave. Just got to keep holding onto the faith that things will be better.

Hang in there.

#101 – Take it one day at a time

Recently, work has been getting busy. So I am very grateful to have this year-end holiday to rest and recharge. It is a much needed rest from the hectic life. However, what I disliked was colleagues’ expectations of having to be always-available mode and the constant Whatsapp chattering. If I could choose, I certainly wouldn’t choose this.

Even I found myself having to move at a faster pace which tires me out. Sometimes, I just wish to do a brainless activity that allows me to rest the exhausted brain and do things on an autopilot mode.

One day, as I was in daydreaming mode, I had a thought bubble that floated by. That is, to learn to live in the present current moment instead of rushing through life and to take things one day at a time.

In essence, learning to live one day at a time means to focus on the happy moments rather than worry about the uncertain future. The world that we live in is often filled with negativity, stress and troubles. Hence, I would rather make the conscious choice to take things one day at a time. For instance, setting up of this blog took many small steps. Lo and behold, we are already at the 101^th entry post now. All these would not have been possible without the baby steps to take things one thing at a time.

As we are coming to the end of 2022 year and moving into the new year, it is also time to do a personal reflection. Indeed, 2022 had been quite an eventful year. While the COVID pandemic is ongoing, most of us have learned to adapt to the new lifestyle and take things as it comes. Honestly, life too has its many disruptions thanks to COVID. But, with taking small steps, it helps us to get through the difficult days and overcome the feelings of immense worries.

Here are my new year wishes for 2023:

Wish that I could have more confidence and do more self-practise for presentations

Wish that I could have better quality sleep

Wish that I could learn to live in the moment with mindfulness

Wish that I could do more yoga for relaxation in the new year

Wish that I could slow down my pace of life during my non-working days

#100 – Mental Health Day Off

Congratulations to myself! I have reached the #100 blog entry for this page.

Recently, I have taken a mental health day off from work and I just wanted to share some thoughts about it. To be honest, MHD doesn’t really exist in Singapore, but I just needed the day off to rest and protect myself from burnout. Having experienced burnout before, I am taking steps to protect take care of myself. Certainly, I felt an immense sense of guilt, but I didn’t have a choice either. It was the workload and expectations that was piling on me and I didn’t have to power to voice out. People were not listening.

In fact, prior to this I’ve already sensed the early signs of stress. I was feeling the emotions of stress and I noticed myself having more stress eating that was different from usual. Sleep was affected with lower quality sleep and mental fatigue. I was feeling grumpy but was not able to voice it out.

Work boundaries wasn’t respected whereby colleagues would often work while being on sick leave. How is this even a healthy environment or good role models?

Hence, this is a necessary rest for myself before I break down.

Because, I am only human and I do not need to answer to other people’s expectations.

References: https://www.verywellmind.com/when-and-how-to-take-a-mental-health-day-3144754

#99 – Stage Fright and Public Speaking Anxiety

Recently, I’ve had to give a few presentations at work and I’ve encountered some nervous feelings about it. Sometimes I feel that the word “anxiety” seems so scary, that we avoid talking about it. But if we come to think about it, presentation nervousness is something that is universal and felt by many people.

No doubt, there was a time where I experienced a blanked-out mind before a presentation. And the learning experience from it was to practise some self-compassion for myself. Presentation skills is something that can be improved with more practise and learning from people.

It’s all a gradual process of opening up to share your thoughts and life experience.

As I recall, many years ago, I used to have a career goal to become an inspirational speaker to share my knowledge for the younger generation. But somewhere along the way, I got distracted by life and forgot about this dream. Now that I am back at this situation, I see that there is the opportunity for me to build on this skill. There is the chance for me to build on this skill for my future career…

1. Acceptance of self and self-compassion
2. Start to write and share your thoughts with people (verbally)
3. Record my own speeches in podcast style
4. Listen and review these recordings
5. Build self-confidence and celebrate small wins
6. Put yourself out there to practise more regularly eg Toastmasters
7. Prepare yourself to have a clear mind before each presentation [stay grounded]
8. Have a healthy routine to calm nerves on the actual day of presentation eg personal mantra

Here are some presentation tips I found for situations when “mind goes blank during presentation”

• Pause regularly and slow down speech
• Ask the audience “before I answer, I would like to know what you think abt this. Does anyone has any thoughts to share?
• “I got so caught up that I lost my train of thoughts. Where was I?”
• Remind audience about your core message and main purpose of this presentation
• “This part is so important that I would like to read it out to you” improvise while you refer to notes  

With that, I shall prepare myself to take up the upcoming challenges and milestones in life.

#98 – Sunday Scaries

It is a weird day for me to experience a typical “Monday Blues”. Today is actually a Tuesday, but I’ve just experienced a “Monday Blue” in the morning. Can’t believe that I’ve actually experienced this feeling whereby I would sit in front of my work-from-home computer and actually starting crying. There was actually nobody scolding me but I’ve just felt that immense feeling of emotional stress swirling in my head, because of some unhappiness pertaining to other issues. In the end, I’ve had to make the decision to take MC for the day and have my own “mental health day off”. I’ve just needed the time-off to be away from work responsibilities and rest.

Sometimes, it feels like the work expectations has been too long. Additionally, I’ve been feeling upset about something else in my personal life but couldn’t find an answer for it. Sometimes, I’ve even tried to “pray” to the higher being up there and listen to worship songs, but, I have not found the answer. I think He just wants me to wait patiently, to wait for the right time.

The thing is, I am living in Singapore, an Asian country that prides itself on its competitive and hardworking workforce who are often pushed to work long hours and deliver results. Unfortunately, I think that this culture does not suit me. Because I’ve become more conscious of the work hours and value emotional health/happiness on a higher priority than career. But in Singapore, I think people mostly value status and money much more than happiness.

But for me, I’ll actually value happiness more than money. Ideally, I would just want to knock off work at 5pm and not have work interruptions after work hours.  

Another funny thing is, I am actually working in the healthcare helping profession. For some weird reasons, even this sector is quite competitive in Singapore. Workers are indirectly required to work long hours to complete their work tasks, to clock career-driven credentials so that they can compete with other fellow colleagues who are also trying their best to build their professional status/credentials. It seems, its not just about doing your work. But rather, everyone wants to take on the juicy portfolios that can help them raise their professional visibility, complete more accredited courses to upgrade their skills, perhaps even take up a Masters and PhD degree if possible. Maybe contribute more articles in the local media to raise their profile and status. Because this sector is so competitive, people just have to work harder to maintain their survival. Plus, not forgetting that they have to complete their regular work to document their case notes and what-nots.

Enough of my ranting, what I have mentioned is just my personal opinion and way of releasing stress. So, just take it with a pinch of salt.

# 97- Losing career ambition and energy at 33 years old

Recently, I have been talking to people about my career journey and one part of me realized that I have been losing career ambition as a result of the burnout years ago. Till date, I have not found a subject to go for further studies and I realized that it is okay. As much as our Singaporean society is one that is fast-paced and judgmental, I realized that it is more important to stay true to my own values. And so I have to admit the truth that, yes, I have less career ambitions nowadays.

Instead, I start to see life for the fact that work is not the only thing that defines my personal identity. In fact, I value other things such as a good working environment/colleagues, family relationships, personal hobbies and happiness/health. All these are things that work does not bring you. I’ve also started to think about migration to overseas, but, immigration requires money, so maybe that is only applicable for the higher income individuals. Plus, I do have to consider other factors such as saving up for my own retirement planning.

In recent few years, actually I did start to talk to more people about my burnout experiences and it has been quite healing and empowering. I realise that I have journeyed through so much inner growth and self-awareness in myself. Some parts of me also wondered if I could one day become a freelancer specialized in counselling burnout individuals. If money wasn’t an issue, yes, maybe I would do that. I could do corporate workshops or training on that.

As one individual, I cannot do much to change this culture, but I do wish that I could do more to support people who are experiencing burnout. And really, I think that it is okay to have less career ambitions. I do not understand why we have to join the rat race? Why can’t I run my own race? I have many questions about life and how things work.

On hindsight, I’ve also realized that there was a lack of role models and support given to me in those circumstances. Maybe then, life could have been better? This is an area to improve for future practitioners. 

Many at times, I feel stuck in my career, because I actually do not have a clear career direction at the moment. I have been thinking about this a lot, talked to many people and read up a lot. However, ever since the burnout experience, I think that I do not have any answer now. Can I say that my career goal is to be happy in a simple job? That seems like someone with lack-of-ambition, but there has just been no answers in the past 4 years. My short term goal now is just to be happy and healthy.

The fact also lies that I am still young and in my 30’s, probably I still have many years of working life ahead of me. I hope to find a new pathway that I can continue on for the many years ahead of me.